I hope I never stop chasing everything I have hoped and envisioned myself to be as a person. It is easier said than done to always want to be the better person in times of anger, distrust and sadness. Some people achieve great things, they get a great career, but what is the point of achieving all of this when you disregard relationships at such a cost?
My Godma told me today, “Some people are afraid to leave a relationship, because they are afraid of starting over again. It’s too tiring, to start from scratch.”
“I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person.” I said.
“I know, you aren’t that kind of person.” She replied, leaving me smiling from ear to ear. “Headstrong”.
Priorities may change along the way but I hope I never lose sight of what is really important. May I never cease putting my relationships to the people I love above my success in a career.
Thank you for your never ending words of wisdom.
Growing up, she always said to me that I made it out to be that I was always the victim. I was the one who knew how to manipulate people into doing the things I wanted. I was a spoilt child who cried the most and was a terrible monster. I grew up being fully and well aware of her comments, thinking to myself that I was the monster she had made me out to be. I grew inclined to learn to be kinder to other people, because her words moulded me to imagine that I could become a person I was afraid to see.
I then became older and my eyes widened to the world. I remember how she supported my studies and encouraged me to apply for academic routes, only to stab me in the back as soon as it reached a discussion point. That was just the tip off the iceberg, but yet each time I tried to be civil, she would rip the rug underneath my feet.
I hear stories of the many chances she was given. I often questioned why she never gave me those chances. After all, I tried harder than she could have imagined or saw when it came to our relationship in the beginning. It was then that I noticed that she had habitually commented harshly on others. She would be nice and warm on days where it suited her, but on her bad days-she was brutally mean, selfish and difficult. She never stopped criticizing every single bump in the road that she chose to walk down towards. She hurt all the people around her, adopting a “it’s you not me” approach when dealing with arguments. She stood on a pedestal, high and above everyone else.It eventually grew too difficult to love her, and words shared became less to none.
The truth is once you take off those rose tinted glasses, you realize the severity of how the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. I guess that’s why people find every opportunity to suss out relationships, determining who was worth investing emotionally more into than the other. After years of thought, I’ve come to learn one thing: the people who you love, can well knowingly tear you apart. They will disappoint you.
Some things are worth being disappointed for. But some things at the expense at your own emotional well being are not.
I swept it under the carpet for years, till I decided enough was enough. One thing’s for sure-I will draw the lines as clear as night and day from now on.