Pride and dignity

pride: we all have it, but not everyone acknowledges how much it of a grip it has on themselves

but trust me when i say this

it hurts me

more than it hurts you


My Godma never fails to amaze me

I hope I never stop chasing everything I have hoped and envisioned myself to be as a person. It is easier said than done to always want to be the better person in times of anger, distrust and sadness. Some people achieve great things, they get a great career, but what is the point of achieving all of this when you disregard relationships at such a cost?

My Godma told me today, “Some people are afraid to leave a relationship, because they are afraid of starting over again. It’s too tiring, to start from scratch.

“I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person.” I said.

I know, you aren’t that kind of person.” She replied, leaving me smiling from ear to ear. “Headstrong”.

Priorities may change along the way but I hope I never lose sight of what is really important. May I never cease putting my relationships to the people I love above my success in a career.

Thank you for your never ending words of wisdom.


Protected: Today’s Pökestop lesson on Faith

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The cny weekend 2017

It’s a little late but, Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I promised myself a 10pm bedtime tonight but I figured the longer I drag this post the more things I’d forget. Chinese New Year is always a time for me to remember my roots and spend time with my maternal relatives and family. I spent most of the time answering questions whilst eating bak kwa, pineapple tarts and love letters (one stick in one finger with 4 fingers of love letters, thank you very much lol) and all other snacks and goodies.

The rest of the time, I spent listening to stories and conversations between my mother and her siblings. It kind of made me wonder whether I’d ever sound like that 50 years down the road with my own siblings. The cutest thing that happened was my eldest aunt who decided to take out a BINGO set during dinner and play it as a gambling game. Eventually as the night died down at reunion dinner, I tried to stay awake to follow the custom of living out for my mom’s longevity.

“You catholic what! Why must you believe this sort of thing?”

Why? Because I am chinese. This is a chinese custom of tradition.

Come to think of it, the act itself is not that we truly believe that staying up late will definitely increase the longevity of our parents. But it is because we as chinese know of such a custom, and we know how much our parents appreciate this custom. As such, we do it out of showing our respect and love to our parents. My mom actually popped her head in my doorway at 1+ am after cleaning up and went, “wah. Still awake ah? Staying up for my longevity is it? Don’t worry lah I’ll survive” and chuckled as she closed the door. That’s right, we chinese people are incapable saying “I love you” to our parents but we show it in getting A’s for our examinations (clearly I haven’t shown my mom I love her much ha-ha-ha).

But in retrospect that was how my mother showed me she appreciated me following my chinese customs and traditions. She is weird, and I am no better than a chip off the old block of her.

I was also reminded of my lovely Aunt Ros who is my mom’s younger sister. I was 14 and had just entered secondary school and my mother was busy with moving house and settling down that Aunt Ros took me to buy my school uniforms and books.

My uncle Huat who is my mom’s younger brother also then offered to send me to school in the early mornings as he said it was on the way to work. He dropped me off quite often in secondary 1 and 2 and then stopped when I was older and more settled into school. It wasn’t until much later that I found out he only started work at 9am….

When I was 15 they had guitar lessons for class and there was a special rate for guitars. I really wanted a new one for the classes instead of using the lousy ones that the class had. Aunt Ros upon hearing that, gave me over $100 to let me buy that guitar. I was over the moon but 15 year old me didn’t appreciate it as much as how 25 year old me does now, learning the importance of working hard for your money.

One thing about my mom’s side that strangely resonates so well with me are their never ending acts of kindness for family.  This Chinese New Year, I am reminded that despite growing wings and learning how to fly better as an adult now (metaphorically, of course).

May we stay humble in humility, never forget our roots of who were the ones who were there to guide us and give us confidence to grow in them and ultimately, be the person we thankfully are today.



Not here to tell a sob story 

Rule of thumb: no one understands the pain of losing a parent- until they have gone through it themselves.

A very painful lesson, I’d like to admit. Not something I’d like to wish on anyone. The realistic fact of life shows that when life can’t knock you down any lower, life takes someone away from you. That’s simplistically fair, of course- because no one can live forever. But there’s a part of me that wondered that it would make logical sense that him leaving would be less painful considerably because there was a very large part of my life that I grew up without my dad and I grew up well without him.

And then you realize that he was probably the first man on earth that ever loved you. The one who picked you up from school when you were six. Who drove you to the clinic and chided you as you got 6 stitches on your shin for climbing on the bus seats like a monkey. “There are worse fathers out there, you know.” A friend said to me once. And as I boarded that 6am airplane with Charles and Sarah I thought to myself, “How could it be- that my dad, aged 68 could die of a heart attack?” while listening to Charles going on and on about how he probably faked his own death and got a new identity to evade the CPF system (lol) yes following Kubler Ross’s model of coping with grief, we were very much in denial. It is difficult to close such a wound, no matter how much time has passed.

Today, Auntie Pat spoke to me about how Ethan (Brian’s 4 year old) says he will see her dog (macho) at the rainbow bridge where Mr Lee Kuan Yew waits. I couldn’t help but interject- “I’m not sure if I want to see my dad at the rainbow bridge. I don’t want two all knowing souls being angry and quarrelling with one another when they meet”. We had a good laugh. She then joked that I would probably be stuck in purgatory so there’s still some time for me.

Fast forward, it’s been two years since you’re gone. And I think I’ve grown a lot and learnt a lot from the work that I do. Sometimes I wish you were here but my ego reminds me that i contain 50% of your genetic material so  I probably wouldn’t have made the first move either.

On days that I remember you, I think of all the good memories you have left me with. With that reminder, I take to my heart that I must learn to grow into a better person.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace

On past lovers

I was at lunch today with a friend who asked me a scenario based question.

“If your other half had a ex girlfriend whom they have slept together with before,would you rather it have meant something, or nothing to them?”

I paused to that question as she continued on. “Either way, both would not be…….. a great feel.”

Truth be told, i took a few seconds to gather my thoughts.

But i think today, it feels like I’d go with the answer,

“I’d rather it have meant something.”