Attending university is something that is a big deal to my mother. She’s a real funny crook who jokes too much at times, but I guess it meant a lot to her as she wasn’t given as many opportunities as a young adult. Because she believes so strongly in education, the opportunity that I’ve had to pursue a university education has become one that I’d keep close to my heart.
Thinking back on my childhood, through the canning’s I’ve had for bad results, not doing homework and rebelling, I’ve come to realize that my father had that same belief too.
When my father left suddenly, all the proceedings were finished on a Friday night. In barely two days, my first exam was due and I hadn’t studied at all. Each time I tried to study, my mind wandered to what had happened so suddenly. My last words with my father replayed consistently over and over again. Instead, I chose to do all sorts of things to distract myself. Going out for a run, catching movies with friends, eating. Sleeping was one of the best ways to calm my nerves. I didn’t want to deal with the tangled knots I felt in my heart, and really, I just wanted to shut off my ‘think’ button.
It was a moment of deep regret and frustration.Trust me, the overly-zealous Cally was extremely regretful for taking eight modules on her first semester in university. Considering the rest took only four or five this term.
But through all the pain, frustration and sadness I felt, I prayed.
I haven’t attended a proper mass since my father’s memorial service. And before that, it was almost a year or so since I’ve gotten close to my Catholic Origin. But this time, I prayed. Or as how Atheists like to put it, I talked in my head.
My paper was a god damn train wreck. As the invigilator gave the green light and I flipped the paper as I read the questions. I knew nothing! I knew it wasn’t even enough to get me a 50% pass. I angrily told god that I was fucked. No joke. By the second paper, I told God I wanted to give up, and quit and join some other profession because studying now at such a crucial point in my life and working was too tough, and that I was tired. I was so, so tired.
There were so many times that I wanted to give up throughout the two weeks of my four term papers. But at the end of the day, the love I had for my parents and their sacrifices and hopes for and to my education tied me to finishing those god damned papers.
They released the term results today and I thought long and hard about whether to post my results up for the world to see for so many reasons, but I thought it’d really explain why I wrote this post in the beginning.
I didn’t do that well. But I survived, with a decent Grade point average. And I did all of it with God’s grace, with my father watching over me and with my mother’s never ending support and encouragement as well as her expectations of me as her daughter.
Through it all, I still believe in my heart (somewhere, I’m still trying to find it) that if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. To those still searching for him, it’s OK to wander and it’s perfectly normal to get lost. In my lowest of low, I struggled. I struggled through and that’s when I realized he was actually there all along.
So don’t give up young christian, catholic, someone who isn’t sure of the existence of faith, blind faith. I don’t even know almost 90% of what lies in the bible. I can’t hold a decent conversation about Catholicism, and some might call it a blind action but I’d like to think I have blind faith.
Stay strong, and pray. Whatever way you like, talk in your head. Sing a song about your day. You’re never as alone as you’d hate to think you are.
With god’s grace, always.