Thoughtssssss. So many thoughts.
But for now, I’ll share what I think needs to be shared right now.
I used to run so much a year or two ago. I think I gave up a lot of things I shouldn’t have for reasons I chose on my own and I realize now I shouldn’t have. But since that milk has been spilled I won’t bother crying over it. But two years ago, running gave me a satisfaction no one could to my heart. It enabled me to let go of things for a good solid half hour, as I struggled to hold my breath running through the waves of winds along the beach nearby. Slowly, I refused to challenge myself further. My eight kilometer runs became five, then three, and two. Eventually, I gave up running on a whole, convinced by the idea I had no time to do it (work, school, loved ones) that I slowly hated it. Cardio days were frowned upon, once a week at maximum, five kilometers being the maximum before I huffed and puffed, catching my breath. I dreaded running.
The struggle for the last two weeks of school, with my bad health (being sick with a fever and out for two days, and straining my back and being semi bedridden for the weekend) has been extremely real and terrifying. I went to the clinic somewhere on Thursday and the doctor gave me two weeks medical leave from physical exercise, painkillers, and a referral to get a scan at the hospital because they were fearful it was slip disc. But that wasn’t what scared me the most…. what scared me the most was the realization that if it was slip disc, I could never pursue all the sports I took for granted. I could never go leisurely on a long thirty minute run along the beach because my back will give way, or how I would have to really ‘look out’ for my body. I was quite sad about it because I think what really hit me the most was that I couldn’t appreciate the simple idea of running which I used to love so much- and to imagine losing it (the ability to run) was extremely scary. I hardly say prayers nowadays *bleep- I’m sorry. The Catholic you are trying to reach is not available. Please try again next Sunday*. But I thought to myself…… why do I want it back so badly now that I might not be able to have it ever?
Even simple things like wearing my jeans, and putting on my socks. Walking. Sleeping on my sides. I struggled because the pain was like an electric current of pain, surging through my whole body at times.
I thought about human nature, about how we were never appreciative, satisfied with things in life, envious of others gains and capabilities and I felt…… extremely raw inside. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low except in the last year than this. So I said a little prayer and prayed. I asked to be more appreciative of things, like my back, and the ability to not walk like I’m hiding a watermelon in between my legs. I popped some drowsy painkillers and struggled to lay myself in bed from the searing pain and went to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up. I got up of bed, ready to pull myself up using my hands from the bed. Hmmmm? No pain. I stood, expecting the usual excruciating pain that accompanied it when I straightened my back. Nothing. I decided to test the water and give a light jump. *pull!* Ah!!! So apparently, I still feel the pain at certain angles. But I hardly feel the pain now, which was such a stark contrast as compared to the last FIVE days of sheer torture. But really, I was granted that chance and I prayed for a chance to be able to run again. And this time, I hope it will serve as a reminder to me that I should never make the mistake of thinking I will definitely have what I have today as I will tomorrow. Because things are only most appreciated when they’ve been lost for a moment or two. Like my sanity when it came to this whole situation. Thank god!
Not to mention my friends who made the last few recovery days much better, like twin who came to my place to have pizza and a movie marathon with me because I was home bound, the childhood pals who came with their own ailments (minus wisdom tooth/kneecap surgery/braces) and the poly girls too. I’m blessed with so much love all around, and i think I’ll appreciate life a little more now that I realize how lucky I am to have you guys around. xx