Be the friend you always wanted to have

As we talked I heard them say

“The outcome would have been the same if you had intervened.

Just that you would have ended her suffering earlier by doing something.

It was then that i felt everything in me

ebb away

Don’t hold grudges , you were once a friend.

I will always remember the good times we had and take that part of me with me wherever I go

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They are not me

Today i learnt that people were not hard by nature

they were taught that being hard was the only choice they had to survive

“man up or be beat by others in life” 

“everything’s a competition”

“lose out once and you’d lose out in life”

something that played in every single thing they did

something that resonated with me in every single thing i did

“don’t try to be an overachiever” they told me

“you were never cut out for this” glaringly

but when my heart hardens

I hate the person I see

I learnt from that day on not to listen to what they have to say about me

because they fail to realize

that with good faith and hell lot of hard work

everything is possible when you believe

and nothing really matters

if they are not me 

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xx cal

My Godma never fails to amaze me

I hope I never stop chasing everything I have hoped and envisioned myself to be as a person. It is easier said than done to always want to be the better person in times of anger, distrust and sadness. Some people achieve great things, they get a great career, but what is the point of achieving all of this when you disregard relationships at such a cost?

My Godma told me today, “Some people are afraid to leave a relationship, because they are afraid of starting over again. It’s too tiring, to start from scratch.

“I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of person.” I said.

I know, you aren’t that kind of person.” She replied, leaving me smiling from ear to ear. “Headstrong”.

Priorities may change along the way but I hope I never lose sight of what is really important. May I never cease putting my relationships to the people I love above my success in a career.

Thank you for your never ending words of wisdom.

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Saying goodbye for the first time

I had visited her on thursday where she was warded in the intensive care unit. There were tubes attached to her as she struggled to speak when she saw me. I told her to rest and not talk, but to focus on breathing. She breathed harder as tears came falling from her eyes.

After all, she was unable to grasp basic concepts due to her mild intellectual disability and childlike behaviour. It was possible that she was afraid of what might happen to her, and that made me sad. Reassuring her did not work.

The next day, I was told that the family members have decided to stop the machines. Though she was lucid, it was unlikely that she would survive and prolonging medical treatment could be fatal, eventually.

She passed away that afternoon, as the rains poured in the late morning. She was only 56, young and shy.

Social workers are supposed to care for our clients professionally, but as soon as we overstep that line of wanting to care remotely more, losing them can be a very, very painful lesson.

Saying goodbye is hard to do but I believe that going home is something to look forward to.

 

 

 

structural progress

Where do I begin?

We were walking down the sidewalks as I jumped from crack to crack, anticipating each unfamiliar sneaker, shoe and heel rushing by from the corner of my eyes. This is what it meant to be, to live life without a care in the world. There were no deadlines. There were no places to go or be. You just basked in the moment of doing whatever made you feel like you were again.

You’ve lost that spark in you.” She said. “That clear spontaneity of wanting to do things as and when you fancied.

I sighed. The change was difficult for most people to grasp. Even me too, at the beginning. But I knew, that structure was the only way to plan the unconventional. Only with structure, could I be sure of the outcomes.